Yesterday was a low key day. Mom slept almost the whole day. She woke up for about two hours midday and another hour or so at 8 pm. We think that sometimes she is awake but too weak to open her eyes or talk- every once in a while she raises her eyebrows or moves her lips at what we're saying. Sometimes that's the only reaction we can get out of her.
She has some confusion. Timelines are hard for her to follow, like when I was trying to explain when I was going home to her. Also I think she tries to think things through and then forgets what she was thinking, so she appears to not want to answer. (I really think she just forgets.)
When the night shift nurse came on last night, he did a brief exam and then pulled Angela and me out into the hall. He informed us that her temperature has become not uniform- warm in some places, cool in others. This is a sign that her circulation is starting to fail, yet another indication that her body is shutting down. The nurse told us that patients as young as mom often hold steady for longer than others, but then crash suddenly when the body can't take anymore. I really appriciate the nurses explaining these things to us. I feel like I know better what to expect.
This is my last day here, unless major changes happen today. Luckily I don't have any unsaid things with my mom. Our relationship has always been strong and I've already apologized for all the stupid things things I've done. Still, I tear up any time I think of saying goodbye, even though I know it's only a goodbye for this life. I'm going to miss her so much.
Hope this adds a little comfort at this time. It's called "Gone From My Sight" by Henry Van Dyke:
ReplyDeleteLife has many comings and goings and we experience them in different ways. Some make us happy and others make us sad. We came into this life after saying goodbye to our Heavenly Father. I’m sure there was sadness in Heaven, but great joy to our earthly parents as they received us in love. Then there are the times of leaving home for the first time, saying goodbye to a friend or relative that is moving far away. Then comes the time when we must to say goodbye to a loved one that has lived a full life and returns to Heavenly Father. May these words help you, as you mourn the loss of your dear loved one.
I am standing upon the seashore a ship at my side, large in mast, hull, and spar. She spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength and I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud where the sea and the sky come down to mingle with each other. Then just at the moment when she slips beyond my site someone says, “There, she's gone.”
Gone, gone where? Gone from my sight that is all. She is just as large in mast, hull, and spar as she was when she left my side and just as able to bear her load of living weight to the place of destination. Her diminished size is in me, not in her. She may be gone from my sight, but there are other eyes on other shores watching her coming, and their voices ready to take the glad shout, “There, she's coming.”